Friday, December 29, 2006

Missing cat? Missed opportunity.


I wonder how many "poster cats" have ever been found trapped in a neighbour's garden shed? Very few, I suspect. In fact, I'd guess that 99 out of 100 never nick the chicken from their owners' fridges again.

So you might say that the words on posters like the one above don't really matter. But I'd disagree. For me, every word counts. Always. And, in this case, I'd suggest that any of the following suggestions would be more likely than "MISSING CAT" to grab a passer-by's attention, and - just perhaps - persuade him or her to keep his or her eyes open for a feline resembling the mug-shot:

OUR CAT IS LOST!

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR CAT?

PLEASE HELP US FIND JOSH.

COME HOME JOSH, ALL IS FORGIVEN!

Of course, it probably wouldn't make any difference to the ending of the story. The chances of poor old Josh returning home safely would only be very marginally improved (say 2% rather than 1%). But writing persuasively is about using the right words to increase the likelihood of achieving the result you want - even when, as in this case, it's the longest of long shots.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Dear Mr Blair, please resign today, yours sincerely, Lindsay Camp.

Every day, I write to the prime minister urging him to resign. I don't want to bore him, so I try to write something a little different each time (joke: the Downing St website receives 6 zillion emails for Mr Blair a day - none of which, I'm quite sure, he ever personally reads). But the basic message is always the same: the Iraq catastrophe has destroyed your credibility for ever; without trust, you are a liability to the Labour Party and the country; go now, for god's sake, go now.

A pointless exercise, you may be thinking. But I couldn't disagree more strongly. In fact, this is one of the rare occasions when I'm 100% certain that what I write will achieve the desired result. Because a day is sure to come - some time in June, if the pundits are to be believed - when I will email Mr Blair, and he will indeed resign.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The "unstoppable" Kevin Pietersen?

Here's an ad in today's paper for an expensive solar-powered wristwatch that never needs a new battery. Under a picture of the cricketer Kevin Pietersen, the headline reads:

UNSTOPPABLE. KEVIN PIETERSEN IS. SO IS IS HIS XYZ WRISTWATCH.

And, oh look, in the sports pages of the very same paper: "KP Pietersen b SK Warne 2."

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the mighty (and unquestionably English) KP. But unstoppable he ain't. Except on the rare occasions when they are not out at the end of the innings, even the greatest batsmen get "stopped" every time they play. So the comparison is, frankly, dumb.

Perhaps you think I'm being a bit literal-minded. But why shouldn't I be? If the advertisers can't be bothered to make a plausible link between their product and the person endorsing it, they can't expect me to pretend I haven't noticed. And, without such a link, my only response to the ad is to wonder how much they are paying KP to appear in their ads.

Hang on, what about this . . .

BRILLIANTLY TALENTED, BUT A BIT PRONE TO TAKING RIDICULOUS RISKS AND THROWING HIS WICKET AWAY. KEVIN PIETERSEN IS. SO IS IS HIS XYZ WRISTWATCH

No, on second thoughts, that wouldn't work either.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

19th dishwasher breakdown

Our dishwasher is entering its dotage and recently, I've noticed that it doesn't actually wash dishes very well any more. I suspect we'll have to replace it soon, but I guess it's possible that I could get it fixed for fifty quid or so, and squeeze another three years' service out of it. So today, I looked in Yellow Pages.

Four densely pages of ads under Electical Appliances Repairs. One - quite a small one - jumped out at me:

IS IT WORTH REPAIRING?

Congratulations, A E Horder Limited of Gloucester Road, Bristol. Your persuasive words, which showed a perfect understanding of what was going through this reader's mind, have won you my business. I wonder if you can get someone round here tomorrow morning?